Hospital visits can brighten your life
Julian's View • Published 5 Jan 2012 09:30
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I think we can all agree that no one likes going into hospital. It's an essential place to have, and we all have a general sense of comfort that it's there, however we just do not like having to go ourselves. The worst offenders are farmers. The farmers hate hospitals, they will avoid going at all costs. Farmers are so used to being outside in the fresh air working about the farm, that the idea of being in a hospital bed for a few days is just unbearable. Sometimes though the farmers just have no choice, they have to go and that is that. Like in Murphy's case, Murphy is your traditional Fermanagh farmer. One day he was out checking on the cattle, he lifted a bag of feed from the back of his quad and he heard a crack. Murphy then felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. He made his way back down to the house and showed the wife. "What kind of a handlin' am I in now?" said Murphy, "You seem to have dislocated your shoulder" she said. Murphy was taken to the Erne Hospital in Enniskillen. He was brought up to a bed where he had to wait for the doctor. As he sat on the bed, he roared with the pain in his arm, "Ahhh" he shouted "I'm in fierce pain nurse, can you not do anything for me", "I'm afraid not" said the nurse "you'll just have to wait for the doctor". Murphy continued to roar in pain. After an hour a doctor came to him. "Sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Murphy, I've been very busy" said the doctor. "Ahhhh" said Murphy, "it's about time, I've been screaming in pain here this past hour". "Come now Mr. Murphy, this is a simple procedure, all I'm going to do is push the shoulder joint back into place," said the doctor. Murphy closed his eyes tightly as the doctor started to push his shoulder back into place. "AHHHHH" screamed Murphy as loud as possible. The roars of Murphy could be heard all over the hospital. The doctor stopped for a moment and said "Mr. Murphy, a woman up the corridor has just given birth to a big baby boy and she didn't make half as much fuss as you."
Murphy turned round looked at the doctor and said "Aye, you try pushing it back in till you hear her".
Last year I had my appendix out. Thankfully I only had to spend two nights in hospital. I was so fed up after just two nights I can only imagine what it must be like to have to spend a week, a month or even a few months in hospital. It must be tedious to say the least. One thing that did amuse me during my short stint in hospital was the man in the bed opposite me. His name was Paddy, and he was a farmer to the core. I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination, yet I do have a basic knowledge of farming. Paddy was delighted that I was opposite him because finally he had someone to talk farming with. According to Paddy, everyone else on the ward was a townie. I did say to Paddy that just because everyone else surrounding us on the ward was from the town did not necessarily mean they knew nothing about farming; however Paddy's mind was made up. He and I were the only true countrymen farmers and that was that.
Paddy talked to me about all aspects of the farm, the price of feed, how many cuts of silage he got in this year, how the land was "ringin wet", and how he had an over randy bull called Bruno. Paddy spoke in a slow laid back tone, and you could just tell by spending a minute with him that he was laid back by nature. He was old school in every way, and was certainly unaffected by political correctness.
Outside of our farming chats, he would tell me about his observations of the nurses on the ward. There was one nurse in particular he didn't like. Paddy said she had a "face like a bulldog eating a wasp". The reason Paddy didn't like the nurse was because she used to tell him to get back into bed all the time, Paddy would go on little strolls around the hospital during the night. One night as he was on one of his midnight strolls through the ward, the nurse roared at him, "PADDY, get back to bed, you're not out on the farm now" Paddy roared back "Sorry nurse, I thought you were a big Friesian cow got lost out on her own, I was coming to put you back in."
On another occasion Paddy got too hot in the bed during the middle of the night, he twisted and turned, and the heat was becoming more and more uncomfortable. He got out of the bed and lay on the floor to cool off. A few minutes later the nurse walked down the corridor and saw him, "Paddy" she shouted "what are you doing on the floor, why aren't you in bed?" Paddy looked at her and said "I'm afraid of heights nurse".
The funniest occasion was when Paddy had to get an injection in a rather personal area. Two nurses came to him and closed the curtain around his bed. At this stage I was unable to see anything, which to be honest probably made the episode that much funnier. The thing was I could hear everything. The nurse said "Ok Paddy, I just need you to lie on one side here and pull down your trousers a little." "Oh no nurse" Paddy said "I get very self conscious, I'll only pull mine down if you pull yours down". By this stage I was in tears of laughter, and I could also hear the nurses laughing. "No Paddy" said the nurse, "I can't do that now". The other nurse said "now tell me Paddy, did you ever get an injection before?" "Oh yes" said Paddy, "I got a jab when I was three years oul and I never forgot it." Again the nurses started laughing. "Will this be sore? I don't want them to hear me screaming in Belcoo now." said Paddy. "Not at all" said the nurses. One of the nurses then produced the needle, "That's an awful size of a needle" said Paddy, "Could you not cut her in half before stickin her into me?" Again the nurses, who are in stitches laughing by this stage, had to re-assure Paddy, that it wouldn't be sore. The next thing all I could here was Paddy shouting "ohhh", I knew he must have received his injection. "All done Paddy," said the nurse as she packed away her equipment and opened the curtains.
I smiled over at Paddy and he winked back at me. "Now Paddy, you'll have to get another one of those tomorrow," said the other nurse. "Ok" said Paddy, "You'll have to use the other cheek because this one's red raw."
If indeed you have to go into hospital anytime soon, I hope you get placed in a bay next to a character like Paddy, it nearly makes it all worthwhile.
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